Some things never change. Technology, the rate of change, prices, and your age change. But people, in the generic sense, don’t change, or at least not much. Going back to the beginning of time people have had the same physical and social needs. The context changes, but socially and emotionally people want and need to feel safe, be included, respected, appreciated, liked and treated with kindness.

Just think about your life experiences and relationships at work, home and socially. When you remove personal and situational specific, everyone basically wants and needs the same thing. As an organizational consultant and coach for more than 25 years, I’ve observed that the difficulty in getting these needs met is at the root of many problems and clashes among people.

Nice vs. kind

“Be nice” is what my parents said to me; perhaps you heard that, and also said it to your kids. Nice is not the same as kind. Nice is being pleasant, courteous, friendly, and being careful to be seen doing the right thing.

Being kind comes from the heart and is authentic. It might be expressed as being caring, considerate, compassionate, generous and thinking about the other person, rather than about how you will be seen. The intention is different. Nice is more about me; kind is more about you.

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

—Mark Twain

Kindness with “those people”

It is easy to be kind to people you like or people you can identify with in some way. The challenge is to be authentically respectful, caring, considerate and even compassionate with people who push your buttons. (They are your buttons and they have been there for a long time, from a history of experiences. Chances are that you installed them when you weren’t treated kindly, and they stand right out there to be pushed!) You have a choice; you can react, or you can reflect and choose your response. One continues the cycle; the other brings about a breakthrough. One triggers adrenaline; the other deepens awareness and connection to your inner self.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

A lesson in kindness

A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry.

The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked over their shoulders. Then they all turned around and went back, each one of them. One girl with Down Syndrome bent down and kissed the fallen boy and said, “This will make it better.” Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. (excerpt from Soul Prints by Marc Gafni)

These kids with “disabilities” modeled kindness. They were compassionate and caring. They individually chose to help a competitor rather than to win the race. Their caring was authentic, from their hearts, and touched the hearts of others.

Life is about choices

As much as we try, we can’t control others. We can only control ourselves, and that is a full-time job. Every day we choose our attitude, behaviors and character, which result in our destiny. In short: A+B+C=D.

Attitude: Kindness begins with an inner attitude that all people are created equal. No one is perfect, and each of us is dealing with personal issues, problems and needs. We all want to be given a chance. Check your attitude. Then choose the attitude you want to experience.

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”                                                      —Don Swartz

Behavior: Kindness breeds kindness. While it might not come back to you at the moment, it will come back one way or another. By tuning into another’s expressed or unexpressed needs, hopes and fears, we can “turn back” as the kids in the story did, and respond with a kind word or deed. Reflect before you react. Choose the behaviors you want returned.

“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.”                                         —Albert Schweitzer

Character: Character is your moral fiber, spirit and qualities that guide your thoughts, feelings and actions. Be the person you will admire.

“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.”

—Theodore Isaac Rubin

Destiny: Your destiny is the result of the choices you make, not chance. Each thought, decision and action influences what happens next. Choose your destiny wisely.

“Watch your thoughts—they become your words.

Watch your words—they become your actions.

Watch your actions—they become your habits.

Watch your habits—they become your character.

Watch your character—it will become your destiny.”

—Frank Outlaw

Remember the choice is always yours at work, home and in life.

“Wherever you go, leave it a little better than it was when you arrived.”

—Thomas J. Reid, my dad.

		Colleen R. Cooper, PhD is a partner in New Perspectives Group LLC, an organizational consulting and executive coaching firm. She works with individuals, teams and organizations to help them build capacities to achieve success by tapping their talents, wisdom and spirit.