Have you ever wanted to be a consultant? Well, if so, you are in luck, because everyone is a consultant at some time in his or her life.  It could be with a friend who wants to talk about a concern, a colleague with a problem or idea, or a client who seeks assistance with a challenge or goal.  They begin by telling their story, check if you understand the situation and then seek your insight and ideas.

Consulting is helping people clarify their thinking and decisions to make plans to achieve their goals.  Consulting with consciousness is being awake and aware of what is going on around you so you can tap into the feelings, thoughts, beliefs and desires of a person or group.

For 25-plus years I have been an organizational consultant and leadership coach.  I have learned many lessons, some through challenges, some through trying new ideas and all through experience.  I have been fortunate to have had terrific clients, partners and friends who were willing to learn, laugh and make things happen for the good of all.  Here’s what I’ve learned so far that applies to all consulting relationships –be they friends, colleagues, customers or clients.

It’s not about you – It’s about them. In the beginning, I wanted people to know how much I knew and how I could be of help.  Then I realized my ego was doing the listening, interpreting and talking.  Margaret Mead, the anthropologist, said, “No one enters a situation with a blank slate [or mind].  Just be aware of what is on your slate and keep it separate from what is on the other’s slate.” The challenge was to detach from what I thought I knew and to connect to the other person or persons’ thoughts and feelings.  I learned that when something popped up in my mind or when I slipped into judgment, I needed to acknowledge the thoughts as mine.  I learned to slow down, listen more and phrase my thoughts as questions when the time was right.  As Don Swartz, the broadcasting and entertainment pioneer, put it: “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Listen with curiosity. When my ego was in charge, I’d find a gap in someone’s logic or a space to insert my idea.  That was my ego at it again.  I learned that listening to detect a logic gap or to insert ideas interfered with their thoughts and impacted the dynamics of the relationship. The more I listened openly, the more I learned and the more the other person clarified his or her thinking.  One of my favorite cartoons is of a group meeting – one person looks across the table at a colleague and says, “Was that your mind I heard closing Pinkley?”  So how do you keep your mind open and your ego out of it?  What I learned so far is to:

• Listen with an open mind to understand the problem, concern or even excitement about something.
• Ask open, inquiring questions to connect to their thoughts or feelings while being sensitive to what is said or not said.
• Tune into your gut or intuitive sense of what is a concern and what is most meaningful and important to them.
• Check if it is OK if you share what you are hearing and understanding.
• Keep open to the conversation that follows to deepen your understanding of their situation, needs, hopes, goals and feelings.

If your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. With my favorite techniques in hand, it was always amazing how other people’s problems jelled with my experiences and fit my solutions!  There was that ego again.  It was easy to hone in on my interpretation of what was said, and then fit it into my comfort zone of approaches and solutions.  What I learned was to partner with friends, colleagues or clients to create solutions that took into account their unique situations.

A client explained it this way: “Say we want a cake.  Some consultants have it ready made and sell it to you as is.  Others are the box-cake mix variety; they tinker with their product.  It’s OK but ...  as the customer, we preferred consultants who take time to learn about who the cake is for, involve us in selecting the ingredients and in making the cake.  Together we make the cake from scratch and the quality and outcome show.”

It’s all about integrity, trust and respect. Integrity, trust and respect are inside-out values and behaviors.  What you give out you get back.  Here’s what I learned so far:

• Integrity - Being consistently ethical, honest, reliable, and fair.  It is being clear about your intentions – are they self-serving or for the best for all? If you rationalize to justify your decisions and actions, it’s a clue that your inner integrity is being compromised.  Listen to your thoughts.  Your inner wisdom speaks in a calm, sincere voice and doesn’t rationalize or justify!  Integrity is inner strength that is witnessed through actions.

• Trust – Being responsible and honest so people can count on you to give your best and fulfill what you promise. Trust begins with self-trust and it expands to being more trusting and trustworthy. Trust is strengthened when expectations are clear. So clarify, clarify and clarify again! 

• Respect - Being thoughtful, considerate and accepting of others.  It is listening more and talking less to understand what someone is saying and feeling.  I think of the word re-spect.  Re=again and spec= to see or to see-again.  It is a reminder to look beyond what someone is saying or doing at the moment, so you can communicate at an authentic level.  Conversations at this level are more open, honest, clear and focused.

So, next time a friend or colleague calls on you for a little advice, remember that consulting with a consciousness beats just telling the person what to do every time.

		Colleen R. Cooper, PhD is a partner in New Perspectives Group LLC, an organizational consulting and executive coaching firm.  She works with individuals, teams and organizations to help them build capacities to achieve success by tapping their talents, wisdom and spirit.